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Recipe for a Crappy All-Star Game Selection Show
Written by wrigleyville   
Sunday, 01 July 2007
Major League Baseball has the most popular and successful All-Star Game of any sport, so their All-Star Game Selection Show should be a relatively easy thing to make enjoyable and interesting. But with careful planning and general ineptitude, you too can turn a surefire hit into a turd so big that Tony Gwynn could actually take credit for it. Here's how:

Step 1) Schedule a show for a specific, advertised time such as, "whenever the Braves/Marlins game ends." Because, y'know, it never rains in Miami so there's no chance a rain delay and two shaky bullpens can delay the start of the show by TWO f'ing hours.

Step 2) Rather than announce the starters from one league and then the other, announce the starters, pitchers and reserve players from the AL first. Sprinkle that liberally with interviews and "commentary" (which I'll get to later) so that NL fans have to wait another half hour before finding out who their All-Stars are.

Step 3) Invite two legendary, soon-to-be-inducted Hall of Famers who have absolutely nothing interesting to say to serve as commentators. Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn are class acts which is great for a game but lousy for a studio show. Ronny Cedeno could have been selected for the NL team and Gwynn would have said, "That's an interesting pick. Ronny brings a lot of things to the table."

Step 4) To complement your polite in-studio commentators, invite league veterans like A-Rod and Griffey, Jr. to join the show for polite, seemingly Xanax-induced interviews.

Step 5) Have everyone fall all over themselves talking about how great it is to have Barry Bonds voted into the game. Hint vaguely at reasons the soon-to-be HR king might not have been voted into the game, but never utter the word "steroids" or "HGH".

Step 6) Have the show serve as a lead-in for Titanic.

Thanks, MLB.

A special note to National League fans -- What the F is wrong with you! I know our league is the older one and we take great pride in being more traditional, but that doesn't require us to pick the oldest outfielders on the ballot. Griffey! Bonds!?! It's 2007, not 1997. No wonder the AL always kicks our ass. Geez...

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