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Chicago Cubs: The Offseason That Was
Written by wrigleyville   
Sunday, 04 March 2007
With spring training well under way and Opening Day less than a month away, Wrigleyville23 takes a look back at the oddest Cubs offseason in memory. Enjoy. November 20 – The Cubs sign Alfonso Soriano, which should have been a sign to everyone that strange things were afoot at the Circle K. November 21 – Looking back on 2006, Aramis Ramirez says: “If I had a good April and May, I would have hit 100 home runs.” Paul Sullivan neglects to point out that Ramirez hit 29 home runs after May 31 – meaning he would have had to hit 71 home runs in April and May to reach 100. Very good, indeed. November 24 – Fresh off of signing a $136 million contract, Alfonso Soriano decides he needs a second job and asks the Cubs if he can play winter ball. This isn’t as bad as Ron Artest getting a job at Best Buy his rookie year so he could get the employee discount. Nevertheless, the Cubs say "No." November 28 – It is disclosed that Alfonso Soriano’s deal calls for him to get a suite at all hotels while the Cubs are on the road. Unfortunately, due to Soriano’s contract, the Cubs will now attempt to save money by staying at the Comfort Suites by the airport in every major league city. December 6 – Jim Hendry agrees to terms with Ted Lilly while hooked up to an EKG. December 12 – One Nut is given the ninth-worst moment in sports in 2006 award by the Positive Coaching Alliance for “sucker punching” A.J. Pierzynski. He deserved a humanitarian award. December 13 – WFAN in New York reports Cliff Floyd has agreed to a deal with the Cubs. He signs six weeks later. December 18 – Lou Piniella says “I like young kids.” OK, Lou, if you say so. December 28 – What will become the Israeli National Baseball Team lets it be known they have their eye on Jason Marquis for the 2009 World Baseball Classic. January 3 – Neal Cotts signs a new contract that inexplicably gives him just $150,000 if he is named World Series MVP. In other news, Wrigleyville23 earned a $75 bonus for breaking the 110-meter hurdle world record this year. January 8 – Pat Litsach says Eric Patterson is a good baserunner who knows how to run bases. That would seem to be a prerequisite to be a good baserunner. But what do we know? January 8 – Due to high medical costs caused by you know who, the Cubs are forced to drop players and staff from the company medical plan. A Wriglevyille23 exclusive. January 9 – Hall of Fame voters snub Andre Dawson, leaving Wrigleyville23 with nothing to write about for three weeks. January 15 – Carrie Muskat oddly invokes “hard Mexican infields” in discussing a Cubs prospect's chances. Maybe she meant “hard Mexican infidels.” January 17 – 7-Eleven announces it will give discounts on its assorted crappy products every time the Cubs score seven or 11 runs. See, because it’s called 7-Eleven. Get it? January 19 – Jeff Samardzija opts to sign with the Cubs over football. Tommy John surgery is scheduled for May 2008. January 19 – Jim Leyland concludes the Tigers made a mistake in trading for Neifi Perez. He should have read Cubs blogs. January 20 – Carlos Zambrano slips into the third person for the first time in the offseason – but not the last. January 20 – A report that Carlos Zambrano has a perm sends blogworld atwitter. January 25 – The Cubs finally sign Cliff Floyd – and immediately upgrade their medical facilities. A Wrigleyville23 exclusive. January 26 – A company announces it is selling urns with the Cubs logo on it. January 27 – It is reported someone has stolen Bob Brenly’s Emmy – leading to the question: Bob Brenly has an Emmy?? What? February 6 – Former Cub Mitch Williams manages to catch his car on fire by pulling into a parking place with a lit grill in it. February 8 – Wrigley Field is named Chicago’s best piece of architecture, even better than the McDonald’s on Wacker. February 13 – Carlos Zambrano returns to the third person to say Carlos Zambrano is leaving Chicago if Carlos Zambrano doesn’t have a deal by Opening Day. Carlos Zambrano backs off a bit a couple of days later. February 14 – The Cubs announce they have sold ad space on metal doors in the Wrigley Field outfield to Under Armor, sending Tribune columnists into a week-long fury of self-righteous indignation. February 15 – It is reported Kerry Wood injured himself getting out of a hot tub. Yeah, baby!

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