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Written by wrigleyville
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Tuesday, 13 March 2007 |
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Fans of Bill Simmons rightly say he is the "most interesting writer" at ESPN.com. This is undoubtedly true. Simmons writes well, voluminously and frequently. That's all good, and I'm not sure that I've missed one of his columns in the last five years.
But yesterday's post on the Sports Guy did not adequately explain why he has become increasingly unreadable and overbearing in recent years - a period of time roughly covered by the Patriots "dynasty," a Red Sox World Series and - perhaps most troublingly - his move to California.
In short, he has become an insufferable blowhard.
Where to start? How about with today's column, in which he climbs back up on his soapbox again to badmouth the (again, admittedly weak) Big Ten in his newfound role as college basketball expert:
Loved this e-mail from Noah in Chicago after I discounted the quality of the Big Ten in Monday's basketball blog: "Oh boy, you are in for a lot of e-mails on this topic. An NBA fan doesn't like the brand of basketball played in the Big Ten? SHOCKING! Perhaps you aren't familiar with concepts like getting back on defense, movement away from the ball and half-court defense? Big 10 basketball is like a Robert Altman film, or Russian hockey in the 1970s -- difficult to watch for a novice, but pleasurable for a connoisseur." (Please note that those exact arguments are always made by women's basketball fans when they're defending the quality of play in the women's game ... once again proving my point, which is that watching the Big Ten was like watching an especially scrappy women's basketball game, only if the players occasionally dunked. Thanks for making my case for me, Noah.)
Fine. Low-scoring, defensive struggles do suck to watch. The Big Ten tournament was less than entertaining, unless you're from Columbus.
But this is reflective of the tone and smugness that has all but overtaken his writing, whether it is responding to readers, insisting he would be one of the best general managers in the NBA, or claiming being a color commentator is "easy," because he did two games at midnight on ESPN-U (utterly unwatchable, by the way).
Simmons very well may prove to be right about the Big Ten's prospects in the tournament. Few would be surprised. Few would predict otherwise. But even if he is, it will cap just a horrendous 12 months of commentary by the "most interesting writer" on the worldwide leader's Web site. He will be, at best, 1 for 4 on his most sanctimonious picks (not to mention his ongoing criticism of Isiah Thomas, whose Knicks are 10.5 games ahead of Simmons' Celtics at this writing).
Consider:
1. Simmons endlessly and relentlessly criticized the National League as "AAAA baseball" throughout the 2006 baseball season - and all the way through the NLCS. Once the Cardinals beat the Tigers, they were referred to as "October's champs" on his page. All class.
0 for 1.
2. Simmons' sad obsession with Peyton Manning led to repeated columns harping on Manning, especially in comparison to Tom "Shawn Kemp" Brady.
(Seriously, what's up with Tom Brady? He appears to be on a mission to create a super race by knocking up every supermodel he can get his, um, hands on. God bless him. But sheesh...)
Anyway, this jihad against the Colts quarterback reached what we thought was its peak on November 3, with a column headlined "I really hate the Colts" - a preview that included the question "Why would anyone taking Peyton Manning over Tom Brady in a big game?" That question was answered two days later when the Colts beat the Patriots for the second straight time in Foxboro, due primarily to interception after interception after interception after interception by Kemp, er, Brady.
The question, of course, was answered definitively in Indianapolis in January, when Manning led the biggest comeback in championship game history to beat the Patriots (and Brady threw a late interception).
Oh, and one week later, when the Colts won the Super Bowl. Simmons was in Miami for Super Bowl week. He wrote about South Beach. He wrote about doing radio interviews and how funny he was. He wrote about Media Day. He wrote about Ann Kournikova checking him out (um, OK). But he left before the game because he couldn't bear to watch the Colts play. Nor could he bear to write about it until five days later, when he mentioned the game in two snotty paragraphs and then went into excruciating detail about a celebrity go-cart race.
Here's what he had to say about being a coward, after years of haranguing Manning:
I probably should have written something. And yes, I hate being wrong. More than anything. But did you really need a column from me on Monday? Wasn't the game crummy enough? Did you really want to endure my crummy, bitter, filled-with-backhanded compliments, sour grapes thoughts about it? The Colts had the best team, they deserved to win, and I hope that we never have to see highlights of that out-and-out affront to American football ever again. Even the S.I. commercial selling the Colts team video should blur out the highlights like they blur out breasts in those "Girls Gone Wild" ads. In all seriousness, couldn't you have made a legitimate case for Rex Grossman winning the MVP? What single player did more to affect that game for the Colts? Think about the definition of that award -- it goes to the most valuable player on the field, right? Who was more valuable to that final score than Rex? The bigger picture: We've entered a legitimate drought for championship finals and title games. The last three Super Bowls were horrible. The last three World Series were horrible. The last two NBA Finals were horrible. The last college football and basketball championship was horrible. Other than the 2006 Rose Bowl, the most entertaining Final or Finals since 2004 was the year that the NHL cancelled their Finals because of the lockout. At least we didn't suffer. But that Colts-Bears crapfest was the worst of all of them ... So congrats to the Colts, congrats to their fans, congrats to Manning, you guys rule, you shoved it in every Patriot fan's face, blah blah blah. Let us know when you get to three rings.
Classy.
Simmons picked the Patriots in November. Wrong. Simmons picked the Patriots in January. Wrong. Simmons picked the Bears in February. Wrong. But we'll just count all that as one, as it stems from his obsession with Manning.
And 0 for 2.
3. The Sports Guy with a "gambling manifesto" lost to his wife in a season-long NFL pick 'em, though it's nice to note that he would have won if he had picked the Colts in the two Patriots games and in the Super Bowl.
That's 0 for 3.
Good luck on the tournament, Sports Guy. We look forward to reading how smart you are if you're right. And if you're wrong? I'm sure it will be Peyton Manning's fault.Labels: Bill Simmons
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