If Bill Simmons Covered World War II

By The German Guy
Page 2

Right after Germany bombed Paris, clearing the way for Nazi occupation of France, I got a six-word telegram from my friend Rolf:

“Here comes the Eff You Parade.”

Eleven days later, it happened: the Germans marched up the Champs Elysees to occupy Paris for the second time this century. Normally, you quickly take over a conquered country … but not this World War. The Nazis took the “Eff you” goose step right up a nation’s most hallowed street. It’s their little way of telling the rest of the world, “You took shots at us with the Treaty of Versailles, you destroyed our economy for more than a decade, you pretended we were the only belligerent nation in a war-torn continent when everyone does it, so you know what? Eff you.”

You might remember me bringing this up in my Holland battle column: “Yeah, it’s wrong to overrun minor nations with no standing army. I’d be the first one to admit it. But it’s a natural reaction to the way Germany was vilified for two straight decades. The rest of the world turned them into a mutant cross between Genghis Kahn and Ivan the Terrible, so screw it, they’re acting like Genghis the Terrible. Can you blame them? I can’t answer that one objectively, so I won’t try. But if you don’t think they’ll be running up the body count in France, you’re crazy.”

And what happened in France? Facing an opponent that rolls over at the word “boo,” Germany commenced a climactic relentless drive into Paris by capturing and killing tens of thousands of Frenchmen. They pushed them off the peninsula, forcing them to submit or flee to Britain, Africa and God knows where else.

As you might have heard by now, Germany is 8-0, they’re marching over whole nations, and Hitler might quintuple Stalin’s body count before all is said and done. In each of those eight victories, they specifically attacked and overran a considerably weaker opponent for no good reason. Here's a partial list:

France: 90,000 killed, 200,000 wounded, and 1,800,000 captured.
Belgium: 23,350 casualties
The Netherlands: 9,779 casualties
Poland: 6,092 casualties

What does this all mean, other than we should start preparing ourselves for the first empire since the Ottoman Empire fell in 1922? We have our first potentially dominant nation-state since the Industrial Revolution began, but more importantly, we have our first great European villain since Jack the Ripper. People hate this country. They want them to lose. It's like having the Roman Empire back, only if everyone despised them and Julius Caesar didn’t look so good in a toga.

Regardless of how you feel about the 1939 Nazis, at the very least, you have to admit the following three things:

1. You haven't seen war fought this well in a long time. Three weeks ago, Charles Lindbergh telegrammed me to say he was headed to the United States and asked if there were talkies available yet of the march on Paris. When I asked why he didn’t just wait to watch in a theater when he got there, Lindbergh explained he didn’t wait that long – the Nazis are fighting at such a high level, he was fascinated with them in a way that went way beyond warfare. And it's true. We haven't seen anything like this with warfare in a while. When the French briefly fought fiercely to allow the Evacuation of Dunkirk in late May, the thing that amazed me wasn't that it happened, but how assured I was the Germans would immediately answer by overrunning France. There was no doubt in my mind. Honestly, I haven't felt this way about a German administration since the fall of the Western Roman Empire.

2. Barring a massive onset of trench foot, it's going to be an enormous, enormous deal if somebody beats Germany this war. That's the sign of a truly great nation, regardless of the era. During the last century, my great grandfather told me, he watched the French under Napoleon fight – and defeat – almost every major European power and thought, “There's no way in hell they can be beaten. You'd need about 35 things to happen.” As it turned out, they defeated all of their opponents, except for two disastrous excursions into Russia – leading first to an exile to Elba and then his infamous end at Waterloo. Yeah, Germany under Bismark was strong, so were the Americans and the British. But the early 19th century French were on a different level, and we haven’t seen anything like it since. Now we’re seeing it again.

3. It's fun to have a old-school villain in the world again, right? There's a reason every war movie has a bad nation in it.

Over the past 23 years, we’ve found more and more ways to become attached to our homelands – isolationism, ethnic purity, runaway inflation. With the pacts with Italy and the Soviet Union signed, I’m rooting for so many different things that I can’t keep track of everything. But here's a case in which war has been reduced to the purest form:

A great nation broke the rules and paid the price; the League of Nations and the media had a field day excoriating Germany for what happened; somewhere along the line, people decided the nation’s conquests were tainted even though the world community stood silently on the sidelines; and that’s when the nation made the collective decision, “You know what? Eff you!”

It's a two-word phrase that can't be printed on SS.com, but it's become the mantra of the Third Reich campaign. Eff you. You can see it with every rubbing-it-in goose step in the post-victory parade, as well as every "Get 'em a body bag ... YEAHHHHHHHHH!" reaction in the command center after it happens. You can see it with Rommell's ticked-off game face that hasn't changed for three straight years. You can see it with Hitler’s super-satisfied grin during the post-battle handshake with the deposed leader.

It's a great nation with an even greater edge. If you're rooting against them, you hate them for it. If you're rooting for them, you love it and feel the same way. Best of all, there's no middle ground. Maybe the 1930s Germans were caught breaking international law, but only one signal matters anymore: two middle fingers turned toward the sky.