IAN's All-Purpose Letter to ESPN

Dear ESPN:

Replace this with this.

The asshattery and douchebazookaness of the former is getting way, way, way out of hand. Plus, the latter is smart and very purty.

Love,

IAN

Math Is Hard

ESPN's vendor (Stats LLC) is struggling with numbers in their quickie preview of the Cubs' series finale against the Padres:

The Chicago Cubs' recent dominance of NL West teams has them on the verge of their first 10-game winning streak in nine years.

Actually, it was 2001. Seven years ago. But I gave them the benefit of the doubt, figuring maybe they just overlooked the 2001 streak. Nope:

After taking the first two games against the Padres (23-37), Chicago now looks to win 10 in a row for the first time since winning 12 straight from May 19-June 2, 2001.

In the words of Barbie, math is hard.

Biggest News In Sports Today?

According to ESPN all morning, it's a relief pitcher's rocky transition to the rotation for a last-place team.

Seems right.

Jon Lester Pitches No Hitter ...

... and ESPN cancels all other programming for the foreseeable future. The Red Sox in-house network will notify you when it is proper to care about anything else.

"Expert" Linda Cohn Doesn't Know Hockey

Under the misnamed "experts' picks," ESPN's Linda Cohn picks the Penguins and Red Wings to win the conference finals. Safe bets, to be sure.

Then again, Linda missed every single one of the four second-round matchups, predicting Montreal, New York, Colorado and San Jose would advance.

Well, That Settles That

The Giants move Barry Zito to the bullpen on the day Jayson Stark concluded that Mike Hampton's $121 million contract was worse than Zito's $126 million contract.

ESPN, Adding Value Once Again

In ESPN's latest goofy quest to answer a question that does not need to be answered, Scoop Jackson declares Chicago to be Titletown USA.

ESPN Now Does Two Things Right

Of all the things they do wrong, as I've mentioned before, you can add the lovely and exotic Colleen Dominguez to the list of one of the things ESPN does right. The other? You already know.

Poster's note: Since this was the only real "good" picture I could find of Ms Dominguez, I hold ESPN personally responsible for not putting her on camera more, and Peter Gammons on camera less.

I Hate You, ESPN

I'm watching television with the missus, and flipping through the channels I run across ESPN. I'm guessing it was a version of SportsCenter, because I only caught all of five seconds of what was being showed (because it was all I could stomach without losing this afternoon's lunch).

However, what do I see? A black dude (probably an anchor) and Mike Golic in a splitscreen with the footnote topic at the bottom of the screen reading "What Will Romo Get First: Super Bowl Ring, or Engagement Ring?" followed immediately by footage of Romo and Jessica Simpson (I would).

Really? I mean, REALLY! You have lost any shred of relevance you may have tightly held on to for these past several years, Worldwide Leader. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have things to microwave.

Members Of Congress Offer Insight On, Um, Baseball

ESPN The Magazine's baseball issue allows members of Congress to weigh in on their home-area teams at the end of each team's preview (because this is the year of the investigation, apparently). Some are interesting, some are nonsensical, and some do what members of Congress do - talk about themselves.

Among the highlights (click on their names for contact information):

Rep. Robert Andrews, D-NJ, on the Phillies (picked 3rd by ESPN): "I don't think Johan Santana makes the Mets that much better. I mean, I wish we had him, but I don't think he's a dominant pitcher."

Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, on the Indians (sorta): "Naming rights are one of the biggest frauds on the fans, because for the most part the public is paying for these stadiums. Progressive Field (formerly Jacobs Field) ought to be named Taxpayers Stadium."

Rep. Mike Rogers, R-Mich, on the Tigers (picked 2nd by ESPN): "I was joking with GM Dave Dombrowski at an event that he was silly to sign a guy named Pudge and an older pitcher named Rogers. I'm 44 years old, and if we had signed me I could have given him both those things for a fraction of the price."

Rep. Tim Walz, D-Minn, on the Twins (picked 5th by ESPN): "You don't know how happy I am not to talk about the Iraq war. One of my staffers was at spring training in Florida and called to say, 'Francisco Liriano looks healthy, like he was in 2006.' I've always liked that eternal optimism of spring, especially in Minnesota." (Liriano is starting the year in the minors.)

Rep. John Sarbanes, D-Md, on the Orioles (picked 5th by ESPN): "Nick Markakis is a classic Oriole: He's not flashy, his technical skills are outstanding, he brings a tremendous work ethic and attitude. And he's a hero to the Greek-American community. I have cousins named Markakis."

Rep. Xavier Becerra, D-Calif, on the Dodgers (sorta): "I think Southern California will have some good baseball to watch in both leagues. But the Los Angeles team will do better. The day that Anaheim pays LA city taxes, I'll consider them LA as well."

Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif, on the Giants (sorta): "We're all so grateful for the contributions Barry Bonds made to the San Francisco community. I'll always remember him embracing Willie Mays after his 756th home run. I'm especially glad it happened on Italian Night."

Rep. Ted Poe, R-Texas, on the Astros (sorta): "I don't have any favorites on the current team. I was a big Craig Biggio fan; I rode in a rodeo parade with him recently. And I'm personal friends with Roger Clemens. I've known him a long time."

Rep. Anthony Weiner, D-NY, on the Mets (picked 1st by ESPN): "I'm with Carlos Beltran in his war of words with Jimmy Rollins. Maybe it's because I was raised in the school yards of New York City, but a little trash-talk never hurt. I'd like to see the Mets have more fight this year."

Either Pelosi, Poe or Kucinich get the award for the goofiest response, with Becerra earning an honorable mention for making it all about taxes.

99 Years Of What Went Wrong

ESPN.com helpfully lets us know what went wrong in each of the last 99 years for the Chicago Cubs.

ESPN: The Fans Are Nuts

ESPN.com asks the great unwashed to vote in an online mock NFL draft - and then has one of its "experts" tell them how wrong they are. Or, in the case of the No. 1 pick, ask: Are you nuts?

I don't need to vote in an online poll to be told how wrong or crazy I am; I can get that at home, thank you very much.

There Is One Thing ESPN Could Do ...

The ESPN post earlier today showed that there is a lot of anger toward the Worldwide Leader. But I think we can all agree that there is one thing they do well, and it is something they should do more of.

And it is this:



My solution is to get rid of ESPN-U, which nobody watches anyway, and create ESPN-EA.

What Has Happened to You, ESPN?

Excited to finally sit down to watch a little of ESPN's Baseball Tonight yesterday morning (it was a long weekend), I was a little perturbed at how my viewing pleasure was ruined. A timeline is given below (all times Central). Keep in mind that this was only a 30-minute episode:

11:00--Baseball Tonight theme music plays. I get excited. Oh, boy. Baseball stuff.

11:01--Karl Ravich gives me a run-down of what's to come in this episode...Boston Red Sox...yada, yada...

11:07--A commercial. Thank god. I was getting a little tired of hearing about the Red Sox.

11:09--More Red Sox? What? They're playing in Japan? Sweet...lemme guess..."Dice-K" will start in front of his motherland? Ah...I knew it!

11:11--Still talking about the Red Sox. I decide to go make some toast and have another cup of coffee.

11:23--Still with the Red Sox? What the hell? I throw down my remote, choke on my toast, and throw my coffee mug through my TV. I have to then convice the missus that we need a new TV.

At this point, I give up and commence on throwing F-bombs on Easter Sunday. Which brings me to this: I remember when I could turn on SportsCenter and get actual highlights from last night's sporting events. Almost every game. And, a quippy one-liner after a homerun or good golf shot. Now? All Red Sox, Yankees, Giants, Patriots--all the time. You suck, ESPN. You really, really suck.

Digger Can't Stop Touching Coach Knight

I'm biased, but Bob Knight did a great job - even with Digger feeling on him all week.

Thanks to Awful Announcing for the video.

SalPal: Favre Sucked

Sal Paolantonio - a writer who really isn't that good at what he does - says Brett Favre wasn't all that good at what he did over the last half of his career:

Yes, Favre played long enough to throw the most touchdown passes and collect the most wins by an NFL quarterback. But let's examine the second half of No. 4's career. The truth is, Favre did little over the past decade to earn the gushing praise heaped upon him by our fawning brethren in the media.

And:

But no matter how many dumb passes he threw and how many playoff games he lost, Favre remains immune to criticism. Favre isn't even the greatest quarterback in the history of the Packers. It's not even close. Bart Starr won five NFL championships -- four more than Favre -- and retired as the NFL's most accurate passer.

And:

Indeed, a decade after his last moments of glory, the football hype machine continues to paint Favre as a hallowed icon of Americana, a symbol of all that is right with sports, a Wild West gun-slinging good ol' boy. There's Brett on the farm! There's Brett with his family! There's Brett on the cover of Sports Illustrated! There's Brett throwing another overtime interception! Favre was among the best in the game, once upon a time. Those days are long gone. Only the idolatry remains.

While much of this may be true, the boys at Chuckie Hacks have already decreed Favre to be the best quarterback ever. And I think they might be serious.

Gammons on Mike & Mike

Peter Gammons was a guest on ESPN's "Mike & Mike Show" this morning. Ordinarily, this is a combination of two things I despise.

Mike and Mike are fawning robots incapable of saying anything mildly controversial, or even interesting. This was further evidenced by their conversation on Roger Clemens this morning in which the Fat Mike said he just didn't know what to believe on whether Clemens took performance enhancing drugs. Um, okay, Fat Mike. God forbid you take a position on something other than chicken wings. Looks like you're the one American who could still sit on the Clemens jury.

As for Gammons, I'm tired of his Boston-centric "news" that purports to be a look around the League. But I digress -- because there was actually something mildly interesting on this morning's show. Gammons was asked what the most impressive thing he's seen this spring, and his answer was -- Kerry Wood. He said Wood looked great, and that he thought the Cubs should be using him as a closer. I'll agree with Gammons on this one. Why aren't they just making Kerry the Closer? He's got the stuff and the poise. The only concern is his durability, but even then we've got a good back-up option in Marmol.

Digger Is Angry With DJ

I'm with Jay and Hubert here in the larger scheme of things. DJ White has put up with so much crap since he came to Indiana that you can't blame him for an emotional reaction.

I mean, just look how emotional Digger got about it and his only job is to be a failed basketball coach on a pregame show.

That said, DJ gave Dan Dakich a big hug after Indiana's (narrow) win over Northwestern tonight and said all the right things in the interview with the Big Ten Network.

Thanks to Awful Announcing for the video.

ESPN's Spring Training Blog Is Disappointing

After the strong effort on its winter meetings blog, ESPN.com follows up with a spring training blog that, in a word, sucks - to put it nicely.

The first five items are from the AP, followed by Tim Kurkjian reporting on a "strong bullpen session" for Pedro Martinez. Well, whoopee.

Really, ESPN, It's A Simple Rule: More Erin Andrews

ESPN keeps showing highlights of LSU's win over Tennessee tonight - in women's basketball. Over and over and over again. Apparently Tennessee was No. 1.

Which, of course, reminds me that there is only one woman I want to see on a basketball floor when I watch ESPN: