Hemorrhoids Are So Two Days Ago

As mentioned during the weekend, Kaz Matsui has a bit of a pain in his rear. At first, Kaz's situation was diagnosed as a simple case of hemorrhoids, which, of course, made me snicker with amusement.

However, what do we find this morning that makes me laugh uncontrollably? Yeah, Kaz Matsui has the anal fissures. Which reminds me...

Dwight: "OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?"

Kevin: "That's a real thing."

Dwight: "Yeah, but no one here has it."

Keving (admittingly): "Someone does."

Kudos to the guys over at Rotoworld.com for giving us the definition of anal fissures. Because, none of the degenerates skimming over Rotoworld's posts aren't going to Google or Wiki the hell out "anal fissures." In all seriousness, best of luck to Kaz in sewing up his butt. And to Felix Pie for getting his testicle untorsioned. Baseball...it's rough.

Kaz Matsui Has a Pain in His Rear

He was removed from a game on February 29 because of hemorrhoids. Get well soon, Kaz.

Good Job, Astros

The Astros save Jim Hendry from another goofy signing by giving Kaz Matsui a three-year, $15 million contract.

That's not to say it's a bad signing by the Astros - or it would have been fatal for the Cubs - but, really, how many poor to mediocre second basemen do you need? And for three years, when Eric Patterson is waiting in the wings?

(It must be fascinating to watch Jim Hendry eat a meal. You can almost see him ordering five identical side dishes in rapid succession while he lets the main course get cold. That very well could be how he ended up hooked to an EKG at last year's winter meetings, actually.)

Anyway, Maddog says the next natural target is Christian Guzman - aka the worst player in baseball, though I think it might be the kid in this picture.

Stupid Cardinals

Good to know the Cubs aren't the only NL Central team with questions about the middle infield. Of course, while the Cubs believe Kaz Matsui would be the answer -- the Cardinals believe that Miguel Tejada might be a better answer.

On an unrelated note, the Cardinals have won 10 world championships in the past 100 years. The Cubs, none.

Quick, Get Me A Crappy 2B!

So, it's official: Jacque to Detroit for Omar Infante, which apparently doesn't mean they have given up on Kaz Matsui (according to Ken Rosenthal):

Infante, a right-handed hitter, likely will play second base, shortstop and center field for the Cubs. His addition will not preclude the Cubs from pursuing second baseman Kaz Matsui as a free agent, but the team's greater priority is finding a left-handed hitting outfielder.

Second base is the left field of the '08 Cubs. Infante, Theriot, Fontenot, DeRosa, possibly Matsui. Add them all together and you still don't have one Sandberg.

Addendum: Thank you to Nutsack for his vigilance and excellence in Cubs reporting in first noticing this, as included in comment number 4 in this post.

Which, Precisely, Is The Good News?

This from the Denver Post on Kaz Matsui:

The Rockies' final day of exclusive negotiating rights with their free agents ends Monday. It would be a surprise if their top three targets - Matsui, catcher Yorvit Torrealba and reliever Matt Herges - sign without fielding other offers. The Chicago Cubs are prepared to go three years on Matsui. That's the bad news. The good news is Matsui said at season's end he would make his decision on comfort, not just business.