The Office & The Derby, Together At Last

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For You "The Office" Fans...

...new episodes begin this Thursday. Just sayin'. I miss you, Jenna Fischer.

Hemorrhoids Are So Two Days Ago

As mentioned during the weekend, Kaz Matsui has a bit of a pain in his rear. At first, Kaz's situation was diagnosed as a simple case of hemorrhoids, which, of course, made me snicker with amusement.

However, what do we find this morning that makes me laugh uncontrollably? Yeah, Kaz Matsui has the anal fissures. Which reminds me...

Dwight: "OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?"

Kevin: "That's a real thing."

Dwight: "Yeah, but no one here has it."

Keving (admittingly): "Someone does."

Kudos to the guys over at Rotoworld.com for giving us the definition of anal fissures. Because, none of the degenerates skimming over Rotoworld's posts aren't going to Google or Wiki the hell out "anal fissures." In all seriousness, best of luck to Kaz in sewing up his butt. And to Felix Pie for getting his testicle untorsioned. Baseball...it's rough.

Critically Important Super News

Much to my chagrin, I feel that it is time to officially retire the "The Office Quote of the Day." I know everybody liked them and I really enjoyed putting fingertip to keyboard giving them to you each weekday morning, however it's become a chore and I'm a lazy bastard.

All is not lost, however. Since baseball season is pretty much under way (even though it's Spring Training), there will be plenty of funny to go around in Cub Land, what with Dempster trying to be a starter, Marquis and Sweet Lou fighting through the media, and Matt Murton's baserunning. So, I'll try to incorporate random The Office quotes into my posts whenever necessary. And, when is a Dwight Schrute quote unnecessary? Answer: Never.

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Okay, so the picture has nothing to do with the quote, but when you think about it...it's still really funny. To me. In a completely heterosexual way. The following hilarity ensues:

[Michael approaches the ladies in the office, who are giving Phyllis a luncheon shower for her upcoming wedding.]

Michael: "What's up spinsters?"

Angela: "Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only."

Michael: "No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O, if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay--Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys."

And, scene. Michael is such an idiot. Which prompted me to look up the word "spinster." From the deep recesses of my mind, and with confrimation on Wikipedia, a "spinster" is...:

"...a woman or girl of marriageable age who has never been married. Socially, the term is usually applied only to women who are regarded as beyond the customary age for marriage, and is generally considered an insulting term, more degrading than the term 'bachelor' for males."

So, there's that. Anyhow, I hope this helps get your Thursday off on the right foot. If you're left-footed, then try the right one this time around, you Communist.

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Today's installment ranks right up there with Dwight waiting on the roof of the office building for his CIA helicopter to take him to a breifing and ice cream social with the other agents. In this episode, Andy has decided to record all four parts of the hit single "Rockin' Robin" as a ring tone on his cell phone. Of course, Jim takes umbrage and finally finds a taker to pull a prank on him in--you guessed who--ole reliable Pam. The following hilarity ensues:

Andy (singing): "In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed."

Jim (to Pam): "Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?"

Pam: "Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of--yes please."

Jim: "Okay, good. Stay right here."

[Jim walks over to his desk and pretends to accidentally knock over Andy's pencils.]

Andy (after Jim knocks over his pencils): "Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one."

Jim (hands Pam Andy's phone): "Are there any messages?"

Pam: "Nope."

Jim: "So weird."

Pam (takes the phone): "Hmm."

[Later...Andy's phone rings...]

Andy: "Large Tuna...have you seen my cell phone device?"

Jim: "Mmm, no."

Andy: "Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call."

[Even later...Andy's phone rings...]

Andy: "What's going on?"

Jim: "What are you talking about?"

Andy (getting angry): "Where is my FREAKING PHONE!?!?" (The four punctuations marks here are very, very important.)

Jim: "You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling."

Andy: "Maybe YOU'RE in the ceiling!"

Jim (getting uneasy): "Okay."

Andy (trying to look in Phyllis's desk, she slams the drawer shut): "I don't trust you, Phyllis!"

[Even-er later-er?]

Michael: "Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly."

Andy: "Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?"

Michael: "Um..."

Andy: "Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own."

Michael: "No. I don't want to do any of that."

Andy: "Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that."

Michael: "No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy."

Andy (growing frustrated): "Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [Andy's phone rings] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD! [punches a hole in the wall] That...was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?"

Pam: "Yeah."

Andy: "Sure? Okay..."

[Even-est later-est???]

Jim (inspecting the hole in the wall): "Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall."

Pam: "I think we broke his brain."

[Jim and Pam both snicker with each other in delight and satisfaction.]

Jim (imitating Andy): "'It's not freakin' funny!'"

And, scene. Whew...I sincerely hope you all made it completely through this episode of the TOQotD. But, it was hopefully worth it. I remember the episode vividly in my mind. I can't remember a moment while watching a television show where I felt so uneasy about what I was watching, yet feeling so satisfied for who was pulling the prank and for who the prank was pulled on. Touche', writers. Touche', indeed.

I hope this helps jump start your Hump Day. Let's get that Brian Roberts deal done soon, okay?

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

In today's installment, Dwight has been cast from Dunder-Mifflin after Angela-gate. So, he's now forced to look for new jobs. This should be good. And, it was. The following hilarity ensued:

Dwight (talking head): " I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting."

Dwight (on a job interview): "For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia."

Dwight (talking head): "I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me."

Dwight (on a job interview): "How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable."

Dwight (talking head): "There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon."

Dwight (in Staples uniform): "I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over."

And, scene. It's funny...I think insatiable is one of my most redeeming qualities as well. Nothing like some Dwight quotes to get you off and running on a Tuesday morning. Right?

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Ah, Jim and Dwight. They're the new Ross and Rachel. I felt like I had to include this scenario in a Friday TOQotD. It summarizes Jim and Dwight's unorthodox brotherhood perfectly. Together, they're on a sales run. The following hilarity (and genius) ensues:

[Jim and Dwight are sitting in a possible future client's office, pitching Dunder-Mifflin to appease the client's paper needs. In a previous scene, Dwight has called one of the "big box" stores and has the phone resting on the Client's desk. The Client is unaware of who's on the other line.]

Client: "We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys."

Dwight: "Sure."

Jim: "Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?"

Client: "It's very."

Phone: "Please keep holding, your call is very important to us."

Dwight: "Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time."

Jim (dials a number on his cell phone): "...and, this is Dunder-Mifflin."

Jim's Cell Phone (Kelly answers Jim's call; Jim holds phone up): "Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly."

Jim: "Hey, Kelly, it's Jim."

Kelly: "Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you...[Jim hangs up]"

Dwight: "Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays."

Client: "All right, I get it. We got a deal."

Jim: "Thanks."

And, scene. It was great when Jim hung up on Kelly before she was able to tell him about the latest on Brad and Angelina. Good for Jim. On the other hand, Jim and Dwight tag-teamed this better than Batman and Robin. So clutch. Well, I hope this helps get your Friday started right. I think the Cubs won an actual baseball game yesterday? And, with math on their side, they're unstoppable.

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Today's installment is another one of Ryan's snarky little comments. I find them golden, and I hope you do as well. Once again, from the "Traveling Salesman" episode, teams of two are sent out into the "field' for some hardcore selling of the always pertinent paper products. Teams are being picked, and the following hilarity ensues:

[Michael is making the "seniors" in the office pick who they would like their teammate to be for the day. After Andy chooses Michael and Pyllis chooses Karen, it's now Stanley's turn.]

Michael: "Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley."

Stanley (face deep in his crossword puzzle): "Pass."

Michael: "You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody."

Stanley (thinks...): "...I'll take the kid."

Ryan (talking head): "I'm very flattered. I was his second choice, after...'pass.'"

And, scene. Hey oh! He really needs more lines. For two of the people who could care less about the work they're doing or the goings-on in the office, Stanley and Ryan need more face time. Although, most of Stanley's time is spent doing crossword puzzles and most of Ryan's time is spent dodging Kelly. Anyhow, the Baton Rouge chapter of the B. J. Novak Fan Club rolls on. It's almost Friday, kids. And, there's Cubs baseball today. So, we've got that going for us.

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Forgive me for using the same picture as yesterday's TOQotD, however it is completely more relevant to today's installment as I think it's the actual scene where it occurs. Once again, Jim and Dwight are out on a traveling sales call. Their exchange is documented below, and the following hilarity ensues:

[Jim and Dwight are leaving the office building...]

Jim (opening the door for Dwight): "After you, sir."

Dwight: "No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear."

Jim: "Okay, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front."

Dwight: "Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with...(Jim slaps Dwight in the face and Dwight is shamed)."

And, scene. I really can't say that Jim and Dwight are enemies or adversaries, per se. Their unorthodox relationship is more of love/hate kind of brotherhood? Maybe? In the later stages of this episode, when Dwight has been had for covering for Angela's mistake about tax documents, he is forced to leave the Dunder-Mifflin team. As he is leaving the building, Jim and Karen are returning from one of their breaks. Dwight embraces Jim. Ying and Yang. White and black. Protons and postitrons. I'm spiraling out of control as I type.

I think there was a Spring Training game yesterday. Anyway, happy Hump Day!

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Once again, I'm forced to give you guys a quickie for today's installment of the TOQotD. But, it's one of the situations in The Office that had me rewinding my DVD multiple times to completely take in the funny. It seems as though Michael has sent out pairs of the sales staff in a blitzkrieg of Scranton to boost sales. The final pairing: Jim and Dwight. Oh, how the hilarity ensues:

[Dwight enters Jim's vehicle and settles in the back seat.]

Jim: "Seriously? You gonna sit in the back?"

Dwight: "Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first."

[As Jim pulls out of his parking space, he steps on the brake, causing Dwight's head to whiplash into Jim's headrest. Queue the "Jim Face."]

And, scene. Like I said, I had to rewind this several times. Much laughter ensued. Knees were slapped. I hope this gets your Tuesday started off on the right foot.

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Today's installment is once again a quickie. But, it involves our good friend Kevin and he's got that extra large copy of Michael's and Jan's Sandals Jamaica vacation photo. In all his Kevin-ness, the following hilarity ensues:

Kevin: "What am I going to do? [Refers to large picture of Jan and Michael] I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art. [smirks]"

And, scene. Kevin rocks. He may only have a few lines in each episode, but he also makes them count on most occasions.

Not that more than four or five people in the world care so much about this, but LSU took two of three from Indiana in Baton Rouge this weekend in the opening of the 2008 NCAA baseball season. So, there's that. Happy Monday, kids.

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Today's installment is a quickie. But, I think it was highly overlooked when I went through this episode. After the Stamford branch was absorbed by the Scranton branch, several of the Stamford employees moved into the Scranton branch. Once such employee is Martin, a former convict. Upon finding out who the convict is, Dwight provides the following hilarity to ensue:

Dwight (talking head; speaking on the identity of the former convict): "I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of 'halfsy.' I do not like criminals."

And, scene. "Some kind of 'halfsy?'" Man, that's classic. Fukudome's a halfsy...yep, half Ichiro and half Matsui. I hope you kids are feeling better than I am today...have a great Friday, everybody.

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Once more, the "Benihana Christmas" episode is clutch. Today's installment comes to us from the Benihana hibachi, where Dwight is helplessly much too far away from Michael, Andy and Jim and thus cannont partake in the action and Asian Hooteredness. Jim, always striking at the opportune moment, ensures that the following hilarity ensues:

[Dwight calls for Jim's attention. Note that there are two people sitting between them, and that whenever Dwight moves his head forward to look at Jim, Jim moves his head backward so that Dwight has to then move his head back...and so on and so forth. Now that Dwight has Jim's attention...]

Dwight: "Jim! Jim! What...what's happening?"

Jim: "Oh. [points to Cindy, the waitress] She's asleep."

Dwight (matter-of-factly): "Oh...Narcolepsy."

Jim: "Probably."

Andy (to Cindy, in their conversation away from Jim and Dwight's, asking her to describe her fantasy home): "Now open your eyes and describe it to me."

Cindy (opens her eyes): "I...don't know...it has four bedrooms and a loft..."

Dwight (back to his and Jim's conversation): "Oh my gosh, now she's up!"

Jim: "And she's trying to correctly butcher a goose, but she's having trouble coming up with it."

Dwight: "Oh, okay. Cindy! Yo, Cindy! Cindy! Hold its neck back and insert the knife below the jaw. Bring it all the way around, there's going to be a good amount of blood. [Cindy looks confused and the woman next to Dwight is disgusted.] Don't let it bother you. Have a bucket there, for the blood... and the innards... and the feathers."

[Queue the "Jim Face."]

And, scene. Comedic genius. This episode is just money when it comes to the funny. And, I evidently like rhyming two-syllable words. Even though this is classic Dwight, the set-up to this exchange, in blue font above the red quotes, is when Jim bobs his head back and forth in the opposite directions Dwight is bobbing his head so that Dwight can never get a clear line of sight of Jim. Great stuff...I can't wait for the new episodes.

My first whiff of baseball will be tomorrow. My LSU Tigers will be facing Wrigleyville's Indiana Hoosiers in the first game of the NCAA baseball season. I understand that IU isn't very good at the baseball, but neither has LSU been quite so good in the last several years after the Skip Bertman Era. I don't know if I'll make a game in the series, what with the weather and Mrs. Nutsack's plans to visit her parents this weekend. Anypoo, it's baseball, and I'll take it. Have a good Thursday, everybody.

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Today's installment comes to us from the "Benihana Christmas" episode, once again. Honestly, it's chock-full of great quotes and situations. Anypoo, Pam has a present for Jim. Turns out, she's been sending Dwight letters from the CIA, and wants Jim to run with the prank. After initially turning her present down, he decides to go with his better judgement and take her up on that offer. Thus, the following hilarity ensues:

Dwight: "Bye, Pam."

Pam: "Night."

Jim (approaches Pam's desk): "Oh, you know what? Sorry, forgot to tell you. I intercepted a transmission earlier and it seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight down at their headquarters in Langley for training and an ice cream social with the other agents."

Pam: "We should get him a bus ticket. [types on computer] To make his trip easier."

Jim: "Oh, no...that would be great."

Pam (disappointed): "It costs seventy-five dollars."

Jim: "Hmmm. Maybe the CIA can send a helicopter?"

Pam (laughing): "Oh..."

[Cut to a scene with Dwight waiting on the roof of the building, pacing back and fourth in a black trenchcoat and wearing an orange deer hunting skull cap. Sorry...I had to throw that in there. Especially since Google didn't have a picture for me to post.]

Dwight (pacing on the roof of the building; his phone rings): "What the...? [Reading text message] "You have been compromised. Abort mission. Destroy phone." Destroy phone? [Dwight throws phone off of the roof and walks away.]

And, scene. This was freakin' hilarious. I really wish I could have found a picture of Dwight on the roof with this trenchcoat and orange hunting cap. Happy Hump Day, kids.

Oh, I know we all love the TOQotD, but I was brought here (presumably) for my vast knowledge and perspectives of most things Cub. So, as Spring Training trudges on and the weather warms and the freshly cut Bermuda grass wofts itself to my neck of the woods, things will pick up. And, the TOQotD will live on as I've found the mother load of The Office quotes caches from the good folks at www.officequotes.net. As you were...

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Today's installment comes to us from a staff meeting in the conference room where Jim is giving a meeting on pushing alternate paper products en lieu of Michael's absence while on vacation. Dwight slams a portable recorder on the desk to tape "all matters necessary," and the following hilarity ensues:

Jim: "Oh, my God! Dwight, what are you doing?"

Dwight: "What?"

Jim: "You're not allowed to take off you pants in the middle of the office."

Dwight: "I'm not."

Jim: "Dwight, you know what, just back off, okay? That's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh, my God, he's got a knife!"

Dwight: "I do not have a knife."

Jim: "No. Let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?"

Dwight: "Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!"

Jim: "Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet."

Dwight: "I am not."

Phyllis: "Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in. Dwight, get his autograph for Michael..."

Dwight: "Jim Carrey did not just walk in, okay?"

Karen: "Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?"

Jim: "Oh, my God, Karen you're right. That is Animal from the Muppet Babies."

Dwight: "You can't see my stomach..."

Andy: "I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chain saw! (short pause) Riiiing-ging-ging-ging......ging."

[Uncumfortable silence.]

And, scene. I think I replayed Andy's little addition to the fun several thousand times during this episode. What an idiot.

Folks, I know I haven't been contributing much to Cubs-related news and such, but to be honest I don't think there's much relevant going on. I'm not a huge number cruncher, nor do I get into stats that much, so I tend to not analyze so much. I'm guess I'm just warning you...when the season starts, ready yourself for poo jokes and hijinks. And Cubs stuff. Happy Tuesday.

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

I'm pressed into choosing a quickie for today's installment of the TOQotD. It comes to us from the gourgeous Angela, just after she meets Michael's "new" girlfriend (the one he just met at Asian Hooters and had to "mark" because he couldn't tell her and her friend apart) at the office's Christmas party. The following hilarity ensues:

[Michael and his new "girlfriend" are walking through Angela's party, when Michael's new girlfriend decides she'll just take a nic-nack for herself on the assumption that it's a party favor.]

Angela (reacting to this new broad taking stuff from her party): "What do you think you're doing? I don't go into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack!"

And, scene. I have to admit that the missus and I replayed this quote over and over and over again. How hilariously racist was that? Well, the more we replayed it, the more hilariously racist it became. I wonder of Fukakke (that's Fukudome's new knickname) will be forced to carry around the bullpen's Hello Kitty backpack? Maybe he won't be forced at all. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you.

Okay, kids. I hope this helps appease the symptoms of your case of the Mondays.

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Public Service: Far be it from me to interrupt everyone's Erin Andrews viewing pleasure. Therefore, I'm making an exception in today's TOQotD. No picture from The Office. We'll keep all Ms. Andrews' splendor on the front page. For you.

Today's installment comes to us again via the Benihana Christmas episode. Michael has just lost his girlfriend, and of all the days one could lose a girlfriend, she dumps him when he is about to offer her the trip of a lifetime to Sandals Jamaica. D'ur. Michael wants this "entourage" to go to "Asian Hooters," and the following hilarity ensues:

Michael: "I need my entourage. Jim, Dwight, Ryan, c'mon - we're going to Asian Hooters."

Ryan (quicky): "I'm not feeling so well. I've got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy, peanut allergy, I just ate there last night."

Michael (feels Ryan's head for fever): "Alright, fell better."

Jim: "Wow, thanks for taking all the excuses, dude."

Ryan: "Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts, granddad fought in World War II. Use your head, man. I keep mine in here [shows Blackberry]. Look alive, Halpert. Welcome back."

[Jim grabs his coat from the back of his chair and smiles in defeat.]

And scene. It wouldn't be a week of TOQotD without a B. J. Novak reference. Happy Friday.

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Today's installment comes to us from the "Benihana Christmas" episode. It seems as though Pam and Karen have combined their hotness powers together to form the "Committee for Planning Parties" to rival Angela's "Party Planning Committee." Angela consults her man, Dwight, and asks that he use his powers as third or fourth in command (depending on who you ask, of course) to disban the Allied Powers of Pam and Karen. Alas, the following hilarity ensues:

Dwight: "Pam and Karen! I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning immediately."

Pam: "You can't do that."

Dwight: "As ranking 'Number 3' in this office, I am ordering you to-"

Andy (interrupting Dwight): "Ummmm, I'm 'Number 3.'"

Dwight: "You're 'Number 4.'"

Andy: "Yeah, but I'm 'Number 3.'"

Dwight: "Uh, no. You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately. They will be returned to you on January 4th."

Jim (approaching the conversation): "Okay, I think I can help here."

Dwight: "Okay, good, then."

Jim: "As ranking number 2, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees and I am the sole member of the committee. We'll act on this now."

Dwight: "Okay, this is stupid."

Jim: "Can you please keep it down? I'm in session. [thinks] I've determined this [Pam and Karen's] committee is valid."

Dwight (as Angela looks desperately at him): "No, no, no. Wait. [raises hand] Permission to join the Validity Committee?"

Jim (considers Dwight's request): "Permission denied."

Dwight: "DAMN IT!"

And, scene. I don't know what's better in this episode--Karen and Pam coming together to form an unstoppable force of hotness and party planning, or Dwight having to obey Jim. I'll go with the ustoppable force of hotness and party planning. That's how I roll.

Happy Valentine's Day, kids.

"The Office" Quote of the Day

To ease my suffering through the Hollywood writer's strike, and to hopefully gain a few chuckles and masculine butt pats from my peers, I've decided to rehash some of my favorite quotes from my favorite TV show--"The Office."

Today's installment isn't great so much for it's quotability, but for the great prank that Jim plays on his dearest Pam. It seems that Andy has...well...an "itch," and he'd like Jim to help him find a way to satsisfy that itch. I'll let the following hilarity that ensues explain:

Andy (on his office phone, speaking to Jim): "I'm horny."

Jim (making his "Jim face"): "Okay, I can't help you with that."

Andy: "Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty, good for a romp in the sack."

Jim: "She's dating Ryan, I think."

Andy: "Oh, and I care why?"

Jim: "She's high maintenance."

Andy: "Next. How about... Angela? Blondes have more fun, come on, trust me on that."

Jim: "Trust ME, that would be fun for no one."

Andy: "Okay, fine."

Jim: "Okay."

Andy: "Pam, the receptionist, Pam... should I go for it?"

Jim (pauses, looks over at Pam...thinks for a second, then...): "Absolutely you should."

Andy: "Jackpot."

[Later, Andy makes his move on Pam.]

Andy: " Pam-alam-a-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There's no getting around it. So, I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking that maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos, maybe even toss around a disc around. Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?"

Pam (cut to talking head): "Wow. Just...wow."

And, scene. So, this is another gem for Jim. Hey oh! Andy is right, though: Pam is cute, an there is no getting around it. Well, happy Hump Day, ladies and gentleman.